Christmas Day

It's Christmas Day.  We had breakfast and you gave AleX and I sweet presents, which meant nothing in comparison to your sweet presence.   I just love you to death.   It was so fun to spend the last few days with you.   It was relaxed and peaceful.  We bought our first official coffee maker together and laughed as we quickly gathered our things before you took me to get the fat sucked out of my neck.  You took such good care of me and I felt accepted and loved; all I've ever really wanted.  I know so much has changed and I know it's been hard, and I so appreciate you being patient with me as I muddle my way through it.   We'll get there.

Ah, Anthony.  What can I say.  Does he treat you well, yes.  Does he love you, I believe, on this day, that he truly did, perhaps does.  Is he what I wish for a person to attach yourself to as deeply as it seems you want?  Not really.   But I know this is your life and your time and your heart and your choice.  I want someone for you who will be an enthusiastic contributor to a shared life,  a go-getter, like you.   I hope you will give yourself time to make a "new" life.  That takes time after the kind of connection you two have had.  I know it's warm and familiar and comfortable.  I know that always feels good.   And Baby girl, in case you haven't figured it out yet, you can have the best of the best.  You don't need to settle in any area.   Not in looks, not in emotion, not in chemistry, not in money, NOTHING.  So, I hope you'll be patient with yourself and  your life and give it time to show up for you in a whole new way....cause it will. 

I think this time in our relationship is as hard, if not harder on me, than on you.  Your dad says Linda told him your appointment with Linda went well but that "there is a lot going on, and it will be awhile" until we meet together with her.  Last weekend was the first time in our relationship I couldn't touch your heart.  I couldn't share mine with you and have you crumble after returning right to yours.  I guess you are growing up and growing away from me, maybe as you should.  I've always believed you didn't keep secrets from me, that you felt safe and comfortable enough to tell me anything.   I don't know quite how to just wait until we get there; until you get there...so I think I'll just go take a hot bath.   I love you.  

It's Not in My Nature

1.  To be punative
2.  To close down
3.  To protect myself

But after the things you've said to me, I've decided it's best to be kind to myself since your unkind words have hit my ears. 

BJ's

I've been sitting with this one a long time.  It's a subject I've broached but you shut down.  It's intimate.  It's private.  It's important.   I don't want to over-dramatize but I want to put it on paper in case you ever do want to consider what this old lady who had made her whole life, probably to a fault, about your happiness.   I am not sure you heard me when I did attempt to get my message across.

Oral sex is intimate, really more intimate than intercourse.  I know, I know...all of your friends give B.J's...I've heard that, on Dateline or somewhere...it's the new French Kiss at the end of the date.  Am I surprised or shocked?  Not completely.  Do I think someday you'll look back and wish you'd made a different choice in when and who?  Yes. I also want to say that it's about pleasure, but mutual pleasure and mutual pleasure and if you are going to be a giver and not a receiver, it is unbalanced.   There will be an inherent power differential if it is not reciprocal.  A man worth your time would jump at the chance to pleasure you BEFORE you pleasure him. 

So, for your consideration:  A tool to help you decide if you want to go there in the future...I call it the "After you Tool":

Let me explain.

So, you're in a situation where it's a possibility.  You have a choice to make.

1.  Ask yourself, in this moment, do I want to give him a BJ?  If the answer is "yes" go to step 2.  If the answer is "no" go to step 3.

2. Ask yourself if you want to receive.  If the answer is "no", then you might not be close/intimate enough with him emotionally or physically and you might want to ask yourself again if this is the right choice for you, if you might be feeling pressured or some other reason, like afraid of his reaction or embarrassed if you don't.

3.  If the answer is "yes", I would like to, and feel comfortable receiving this is when you say, "After you".  This is checking in on his level of comfort/intimacy.  If he isn't willing/interested, you may want to reconsider your choice to give to him.  If he is interested and so are you, then let him give to you and then you reciprocate.  This will check if he is just "using" you for his pleasure or if he has a genuine interest in your pleasure as well.

I know this is controversial.  I'm in no way recommending you have OS.  I just want to give you a tool to stop and evaluate your decision in a way where you are taking care of you.  I love you, my sweet girl.  Try this...and someday, if you do, I'd love to hear your thoughts on the process (of inquiry)...I don't want ANY other details...believe me.

As Hard As It Is to Believe

I know you don't like me right now.  I know you don't want to talk about what happened.  Myself, I would be horrified if my parents had seen what we've  seen and know what we know.  I've tried to tell you with words and actions that my love is unconditional.  I've said the words "I don't need to go backward and discuss what, where, who, when, why.  But I do need to talk; and more than once.  I need to talk about what's going on inside your head as we all move forward."  That doesn't seem to matter or make sense to you.  I don't need to talk so that I can sleep at night.  I need to talk so that I can give you your life back.  I want to give you your life back.  I want to see you come and go as you please, hanging out with whoever you want.  I want you to enjoy that cool, fun new Smart Phone your Dad got you.   I want to buy you things and take you places.  I want you to have whatever you want.

Right now though, I need more than anything to protect you until such time that, through our talks, I feel comfortable, you will keep yourself safe.   And until we talk about how you'll do that, I will do that.

The Best That I Can

Ever since it came to my attention you were struggling all I've really wanted was to be there for you.  I've done my best to tell you that.  I've tried to emphasize that this time is not about my power as a parent.  Not about being punitive or making you pay a price.  I've tried to encourage you.  I've tried to be a safe place.  I've cried when I hear you in your room sobbing.  My heart feels almost as fragile as yours.  This is the first time, as a Mother, that I've been witness to the day-in-day-out process of the real heartbreak of one of my children.  None of your siblings have lost a deep and real love while under my roof.  Girls and boys have graced my home, mostly your friends, some have been opposite sex dating relationships lasting weeks or months, A had a longer one, but she was the Leaver, not the Leavee.  It's real.  It's deep.  As deep and real as your love for A was.


I have felt, and do feel, exactly what you are, as close as I can tell.  I've lost young love, except I went deep inside.  Hid my grief and shame from everyone, most importantly myself.  I took it personally.  I made up a whole story about what it meant.  It took decades to remember and decades more to attempt to undo and craft a new one.   I've tried not to give you advice, lecture or shame you.  I've tried to do it differently than was done to me.  It doesn't come naturally and I'm absolutely positive it won't make sense to you, most of it anyway, for decades.  I'm ok with that.  That's what parenting is about for me.  I'm in it for the joy of doing it.  It's not about me.  It's never really been about me.  I know you don't believe me or really even appear to care today.  I'm really not even attached to these words ever being read by you, or anyone else.  I just need to say them.  They're rumbling around in my heart and if I don't get them out I fear I'll start spewing and turn into the person you've already painted me to be.  So coming here is my answer.

Boys:  Sweet Daughter.  How prone we are, as women, to fall prey to the subtle, and not so subtle ways society tells us we are; or should or shouldn't be.  How often, in my own adolescence, I didn't have a clue what I wanted or needed or desired from my relationship with the Masculine.  I did know, even if only subconsciously, that the sun of my self-worth rose and set with who was or wasn't talking to me, noticed or didn't notice my existence.