The Best That I Can

Ever since it came to my attention you were struggling all I've really wanted was to be there for you.  I've done my best to tell you that.  I've tried to emphasize that this time is not about my power as a parent.  Not about being punitive or making you pay a price.  I've tried to encourage you.  I've tried to be a safe place.  I've cried when I hear you in your room sobbing.  My heart feels almost as fragile as yours.  This is the first time, as a Mother, that I've been witness to the day-in-day-out process of the real heartbreak of one of my children.  None of your siblings have lost a deep and real love while under my roof.  Girls and boys have graced my home, mostly your friends, some have been opposite sex dating relationships lasting weeks or months, A had a longer one, but she was the Leaver, not the Leavee.  It's real.  It's deep.  As deep and real as your love for A was.


I have felt, and do feel, exactly what you are, as close as I can tell.  I've lost young love, except I went deep inside.  Hid my grief and shame from everyone, most importantly myself.  I took it personally.  I made up a whole story about what it meant.  It took decades to remember and decades more to attempt to undo and craft a new one.   I've tried not to give you advice, lecture or shame you.  I've tried to do it differently than was done to me.  It doesn't come naturally and I'm absolutely positive it won't make sense to you, most of it anyway, for decades.  I'm ok with that.  That's what parenting is about for me.  I'm in it for the joy of doing it.  It's not about me.  It's never really been about me.  I know you don't believe me or really even appear to care today.  I'm really not even attached to these words ever being read by you, or anyone else.  I just need to say them.  They're rumbling around in my heart and if I don't get them out I fear I'll start spewing and turn into the person you've already painted me to be.  So coming here is my answer.

Boys:  Sweet Daughter.  How prone we are, as women, to fall prey to the subtle, and not so subtle ways society tells us we are; or should or shouldn't be.  How often, in my own adolescence, I didn't have a clue what I wanted or needed or desired from my relationship with the Masculine.  I did know, even if only subconsciously, that the sun of my self-worth rose and set with who was or wasn't talking to me, noticed or didn't notice my existence.